Sarah Tay at the Seireitei
by Barbellenel
Summary: Yumichika demonstrates skin care products at Byakuya's Sarah Tay party while Hisagi struggles to stay out of debt, Renji wants a fight, Ikkaku gets a shiner, Mayuri gets a girlfriend, Kenpachi is pwned, and Hitsugaya wants, well...JUST FOR FUN! ENJOY!
1. Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, but I am grateful for the opportunity to use Tito Kube's characters for my own selfish pleasure. I also do not own any of the songs used in this either.**

**Just for grins and giggles. Enjoy. Reviews are welcome.**

* * *

"Two hell butterflies? This had better be important, Captain K. I was in the middle of a good bar fight." Glancing around to make sure no one saw him talking to himself, Renji flash-stepped over the rooftops of the Seireitei, arriving quickly at the front door of the Kuchiki estate. He rang the bell, a deep resonant chord echoing through the house. "I guess this is what they call the good side of town." 

"Ah, Mr. Abarai, Captain Kuchiki is waiting for you, sir."

"Hey, Jeeves, what's this about anyway?" Renji elbowed his way past the butler into the house.

"Your shoes, sir."

"My shoes? What about my…? Oh," Renji removed his shoes and placed them by the door.

"And your blade, sir," said the butler, holding out his hands.

"What? Nobody takes my bad boy, Jeeves."

"Your blade, sir." The butler pointed to the wall, where blades and swords of many sizes were lined up according to height.

Renji reluctantly handed over his zanpakutou. "This had better be good, Jeeves."

"And your socks, sir. Your tabi."

"My what?" Renji stared in disbelief. "Look, I didn't come here to play strip butler with you, dude…"

"Abarai, is that you? Show him in, Kenshin." A commanding voice from another room called to him. "You're late, and you're harassing Kenshin, my man servant. Come in, remove your socks, and put your feet into a bucket of water. That's an order, Abarai."

"You better not be laughing, Jeeves."

"Oh, no, sir. Kenshin is the one who is laughing. Follow me."

The red-head followed the butler into a spacious living area. To his surprise, a number of his Shinigami friends and captains were sitting around the room, some chatting amiably, others looking a bit uncomfortable, all with their feet in pans of warm water.

To his right as he entered sat captains Kenpachi Zaraki, Mayuri Kurotsuchi, and Retsu Unohana. Next to her sat Captain Byakuya Kuchiki, in regal form. To his immediate right on the same divan, was Shuuhei Hisagi. He reminded Renji of a deer surrounded by bright lights. Next to him was an empty seat, then Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya, and Rangiku Matsumoto. On Renji's left, the circle continued in the opposite direction with Kira Izuru, Ikkaku Madarame, and a few other assorted lower ranked Shinigamis filling out the circle.

* * *

"Renji, there's a seat over here," Shuuhei said, a little too anxiously. 

"Nonsense, Hisagi, that would never do," tsked Captain Kuchiki. "You and I are bonding. We cannot bond as captain to hopeful-future-captain if Abarai is in the middle."

"Besides, I believe this is my seat," said Captain Jushiro Ukitake pleasantly, returning from a trip to the patio for fresh air. "I hope you don't mind, Vice Captain Hisagi. My afternoon snack is a bit unsettled in my system." He leaned in closely from Hisagi's right. "I'll apologize now. I may be a little flatulent throughout the course of the evening. It's my disease. I have to eat a lot to keep up my strength, and I am sometimes not as discriminating in my choices as I should be."

"Not…not a problem, sir," stammered Hisagi, having already been a victim of Jushiro's wind that evening.

"Abarai," Kuchiki commanded, "join the vice captains on the other side of the room. This side is for captains and captains-to-be. Right, Hisagi?" Byakuya bent forward to stir the water in Shuuhei's pan. "Find a seat and soak your feet." The corner of his mouth tilted slightly upward at his rhyme, not enough for anyone to notice.

Over his back, Hisagi, looking desperate, mouthed, _save me!_

As his captain straightened up, Renji shrugged _sorry_ at Shuuhei, took his seat next to Kira, and plunged his feet into a steaming bucket of water.

* * *

"Now, I'm adding a foot bath moisturizing bead from our _ZanpakYourToes Foot Collection._ Spread it around in the water with your toes until it evaporates. You will see how smooth and refreshed your feet feel." 

In the middle of the circle next to a table full of boxes, bottles and jars, stood Yumichika Ayasegawa, resplendent in a silver-trimmed black smock with 'Sarah Tay' embroidered along the deep pockets. A silver rose rested on his left lapel above a sparkly red name badge which read 'Yumichika Ayasegawa, Independent Sarah Tay Consultant, Circle of Beauty Winner.' On his head sat a silver pill-box hat with a small veil rakishly tipped to the left. His normal feathers had been replaced with silver and red ones: three on his right eyebrow and three in his right lash line. Even Kenpachi Zaraki was begrudgingly impressed by the stunning man.

As Yumichika added bath beads to the various tubs of water, he continued, "You also get the _Exfoliating Foot Scrub_ and the _Cooling Eucalyptus Treatment_ all for the same low price. We here at 'Sarah Tay' like to say that you get 'more bankai for your buck.' I've given you all catalogs and order forms. As we go through the products and I demonstrate them, you can write them down on your order form, and I'll help you finalize your orders later on."

"Do you like it, Hisagi?" asked Byakuya.

"Sure. It feels good, but how much is it?" asked Hisagi skimming through a 'Sarah Tay' catalog. "I'm kind of on a budget right now."

"Page 14 in the catalog," Yumichika added helpfully. The sound of flipping pages filled the room.

"Yow, that's three days' pay!"

"A truly rich man is not bothered by price," intoned Byakuya. "If you plan to become a captain, Vice Captain, you must start thinking like one."

"Yea, I know, but three days' pay for a bunch of foot soak stuff?" protested Hisagi.

"Yes, but it's the best 'foot-soak-stuff' that your feet will ever have the pleasure to soak in," enthused Yumichika. "And it's your lucky day, Hisagi, because it's 'Three for Three' day! Three marvelous products for only three days' pay! Isn't it marvelous the way that works out?"

"Hisagi will take two," Byakuya said firmly.

Hisagi's mouth dropped open. "But that's six days…"

"A captain must take care of himself. He cannot stand in front of his men and think only of his cracked feet."

"But I'm not a captain yet."

"Nor will you be anytime soon, if you do not take proactive steps to secure the votes and recommendations of the current captains, starting tonight with those here this evening," Byakuya lectured.

"But, sir, I can't afford…"

"Nonsense, Hisagi, you can't afford not to…"

"But I already owe Kira…"

"Did you know that captains make double, sometimes triple, what vice captains make, Hisagi?" asked Byakuya calmly.

"No, sir, I…"

"Once you become a captain, like me, money will be no object, not that I have ever had to worry about money. So it is in your best interest to become a captain as soon as possible, and that means pleasing the existing captains, so that we will write stellar recommendations for you. Is that not correct?"

"Yes, sir…"

"And to please us means that you are willing to follow our advice and do as we say, correct?"

"Yes, sir," he sighed.

"I would not steer you wrong, Hisagi. I am, after all, the best thing that has ever happened to you and your career."

Shuuhei shook his head in disbelief. Surely one of them was losing his mind. He just wasn't sure who it was at that point.

"Then, as I said," Byakuya turned his attention to Yumichika. "Hisagi will take two." He pointed an elegant finger at the order form in Shuuhei's lap. "Write it down, write it down," he urged impatiently.

"Make it three, Hisagi. Your rubber girlfriend needs a pedicure," yelled Renji from the other side of the room.

"Excellent idea, Abarai. Three, Hisagi. One can never have enough foot scrub."

If looks could kill, Shuuhei would have been standing over Renji's lifeless body just then.

Byakuya continued, "Why can you not have good ideas at the office too, Abarai?"

"A sense of humor," said Kenpachi. "Who knew?"

Byakuya leaned over Hisagi's order form. "Change that to a three."

"But that's nine days' pay…" exclaimed Hisagi.

Ignoring the protesting man beside him, Captain Kuchiki took his pen and changed the number himself.

"Oh, if this keeps up," he said with a small chirp in his voice, "I'll have enough orders for my hostess gift."

"Hostess gift, sir?" Puzzled, Shuuhei looked at him, trying to figure out how this man had become a captain without anyone figuring out that he was crazy.

"Yes, for hosting this party, I get points for everything ordered. The more that is ordered, the more points I get. I can trade them in for prizes. I have my eye on something called golf…clubs."

"Golf clubs, sir?"

"Yes, from what I understand, Hisagi, golf is a training program for accuracy, strength, and fortitude in the land of the living. Golf clubs are long, narrow weapons used to propel round projectiles through the air at hollows in the ground. The round projectile is put through the hole in one. I have never heard of these ground hollows before, but one cannot be caught unaware by one's enemies. Therefore, I am taking it upon myself to train in this discipline of golf. Besides, I'm bored. I have already achieved and mastered bankai. What else is there for me to do?"

"Gee, I dunno, sir. Kill me? Put me out of my misery?"

"Quit complaining, my dear boy," said Byakuya, placing his hand on Hisagi's thigh, "You'll thank me in the end."

"Not the visual picture I want, sir."

"Make it four foot scrub sets, Hisagi. I hear four is a number used frequently for golf."

* * *

_Part One of Five - Please keep reading!_ ;o) 


	2. Part 2

"Now, as you soak your feet, I will come around and massage some of our wonderful _Sense Your Soul Aromatic Lotion _into your temples to complete the relaxation experience from head to feet." Yumichika removed a silver pump bottle from the pocket of his smock, squeezed some lotion into his hand and walked up to Captain Kuchiki. "Of course, as our host, you are first, Captain Kuchiki."

"Of course."

"Please don't like it. Please don't like it," muttered Hisagi under his breath.

"Shuuhei, that's an excellent question," Yumichika began to massage the lotion into Byakuya's temples in a light circular motion. "In case you didn't hear what Shuuhei asked, he wanted to know what makes this product so special and beautiful."

Hisagi looked at Yumichika quizzically, soon realizing that Yumichika would have taken anything that anybody had said at that moment and turned it into a sales pitch.

"_Sense Your Soul Aromatic Lotion _is a smooth emollient that relaxes and calms by pampering the senses. It gently massages and realigns spirit particles like an internal massage, only better. How does that feel, Captain?" said Yumichika as he concluded the temple massage with a light kiss to the top of Byakuya's head. A small smile nearly crossed Byakuya's face, but was bankai-ed by Inner Byakuya at the last moment.

"Hisagi, buy this. Five of them."

"Damn."

"That's just disturbing," Hitsugaya folded his arms and slumped down in his chair.

"Now, now, Toshiro," said Ukitake quietly. "I found something in the catalog that is perfect for the two of us."

"You did?" asked Hitsugaya warily. "It's not a big basket full of candy, is it?"

"Oh, no, no. It's hair products. For white hairs like us. See? Here in the catalog."

Hitsugaya took the catalog and flipped through the pages impatiently. At first, he settled on the hair product section, but as he turned the pages, another line of products caught his eye.

Ukitake, oblivious to Hitsugaya's lack of interest in the hair products, enthused, "I'll buy you the _Whitey-Chan_ hair products."

"I don't want you to buy me things. It's kind of creepy," complained Hitsugaya.

"What do you mean creepy? Just think of me as an uncle, a very generous uncle," smiled Ukitake.

"I think it's wonderful, Captain. I wish I had someone who would buy things for me," pouted Matsumoto. She peered around captains Hitsugaya and Ukitake and ended up sprawled over both of their laps. "Oh, Shuuhei, I want some of that _Sense Your Soul Aromatic Lotion._ You'll buy it for me, won't you?"

"Rangiku, I can't afford three quarters of what's on my order sheet now. How do you expect me to buy body lotion for you?"

"Just buy her the lotion, Hisagi. Trust me, she'll never stop pouting if you don't," said Captain Hitsugaya.

"Oh, thank you, Captain," beamed Rangiku.

"You can get off my lap now," grunted Hitsugaya.

"No hurry," smiled Ukitake.

As Matsumoto sat up, Hitsugaya added, "And Matsumoto, put those things away."

* * *

"Why are you doing this? You're always giving me stuff." Hitsugaya was annoyed, but Ukitake was undeterred. 

"We whitey-chans have to stick together. We'll be like twins!" he gushed.

Yumichika, always quick to pick up on a sales opportunity, jumped in, "Oh yes, _Whitey-Chan Shampoo_ will keep your hair bright and white. None of that icky yellowing that can happen to white hair when you use a product that isn't designed for your hair color."

"How wonderful," clapped Ukitake. "That's always been a problem for me. It's my goal to keep Toshiro from yellowing at his tender age."

"Tender! I do not yellow!" objected Hitsugaya.

Matsumoto chimed in, "Oh, but Captain, you really do have tinges of yellow throughout your hair. It couldn't hurt."

"Matsumoto, mind your own business."

"But it is my business, Captain. I have to look at your hair everyday. Sometimes when you are sitting in your chair and I am leaning over you, I can see the yellow in your roots against the pale milky skin of my boobs."

"Enough already. Change the subject."

"So you won't mind if Hisagi adds some _Whitey-Chan Shampoo_ to his order for you?" asked a hopeful Ukitake.

"No," sighed Hitsugaya. "Hisagi, add a bottle or two to your order, won't you?"

"What? I have to buy for you too?" asked a surprised Shuuhei Hisagi.

"And me," added Ukitake. "I'll take a case. That's a good lad. I smell captain in you for sure. Oh, I'm sorry, that was me," he noted as he fanned.

Choking back a tear, Shuuhei asked, "Yumi, can I get a bulk discount?"

"We here at 'Sarah Tay' believe in individual pricing of products," hedged Yumichika. "Say, for example, that you would like to buy a shampoo product. Wouldn't you feel better knowing that each and every bottle was handled and priced lovingly by your own special 'Sarah Tay' consultant? At 'Sarah Tay,' we believe in service over discounts. That's what makes us so very special." He smiled brightly at Shuuhei who groaned loudly.

"We also have products for every hair color. For example, Shuuhei, for those with dark hair coloring, such as yourself…"

"What are you talking in my direction for? I'm officially broke!" The black-haired man folded his arms and slumped in his chair as Hitsugaya had done only moments before. Captain Ukitake was surrounded by a pair of matching grumpy black and white bookends.

Byakuya came to Hisagi's rescue. "Nonsense, Hisagi. I will personally talk to Yamamoto about a pay advance for you. Six months or nine?"

* * *

Yumichika continued, "As I was saying, we also have _Blackie-Chan Shampoo and Curl Adjuster_. It kicks the crap out of other products and leaves your hair full of action 'cuz you know that's what you want. _Blackie-Chan_, for the star in all of us." 

"Hisagi," Byakuya counseled, "You will need that to maintain your appearance as a captain. Image is important. You are a little rough around the edges. Maybe it will tame some of that spikiness."

"As an added bonus," said Yumichika, "it brings out the hidden curl in your hair. Those spikes will be history in no time, Shuuhei."

"What's wrong with my spikes? I like my spiky hair. It's edgy."

Byakuya and Yumichika looked at each other knowingly. "If that's what you think, Hisagi, then you really do need this product."

"Alright, I'll take one, but I don't want curls."

"Buy one for me as well. The kenseikan hairclips that I wear can be very damaging."

"Fine, fine," agreed Hisagi grudgingly. "As long as it's only one."

Byakuya turned to him, "Yes, we'll discuss that later."

"Hey, Yumichika," came a voice from across the room, "got anything for redheads?"

"As a matter of fact, Renji, we do. But before I get to that, I want Ikkaku to try this delightful _Shine My Gami Polishing Cream_." Yumichika picked up a black and white striped jar from his display table in the middle of the room and walked up to Ikkaku. He slathered a generous amount of the paste into a pile on top of the bald man's head. Pulling out a buffing cloth, he proceeded to buff Ikkaku's head to a brilliant supernova glow.

"Massage and buff. That's all there is to it for a spectacular shine. What do you think, Ikkaku?"

"I've never polished my head before, man. This shine's all mine."

"Then it's time you started. That natural shine won't last forever. We all need to enhance every now and again. Don't worry, Ikkaku. It happens to everyone. "

"It does? What does?" Ikkaku's eyes widened.

"Of course, it happens to some faster than others. If only you could see the top of your head. Tsk, tsk. Have you ever thought about a toupee?"

"No, why? What's wrong with the top of my head?" Ikkaku asked, his voice edged with alarm.

Yumichika sashayed over to his presentation table and offered up a basket of fruit.

"I have always believed that a full head of hair like mine is the best preservative for the scalp. But we can't all be as lucky or as beautiful as me. Sad to say you have no hair, so your head gets a lot of wear and tear from the weather, weapons, pink-haired vice captains, et cetera. Let me demonstrate." Yumichika pulled a cantaloupe from the basket. "Here is your head before _Shine My Gami Polishing Cream_. See all the bumps and veins, not to mention a soft spot or two? Not very smooth at all and certainly not beautiful." He pointed to a spot on the cantaloupe. "Oh, look, doesn't that look just like little teeth marks?" Ikkaku squinted at the fruit.

Yumichika placed it back on the table and picked up a small watermelon that had been polished to a high gloss. "Here is your head after _Shine My Gami Polishing Cream_. See the difference?"

"It's green?"

"'Sarah Tay' was invented to help sad, sad cases like you." Yumichika sighed, "Shame really to put such a nice head through such a horrible hairless ordeal."

Ikkaku's hands went to his head, massaging his cranium. "But I don't want to be a cantaloupe; I want to be a watermelon!"

"Then protect it, shine it, show it off like a brave warrior should! Bald and bold, Ikkaku, go into the world, bald and bold, with a shine to rival the sun!" Yumichika urged melodramatically.

Ikkaku stared at the jar in the consultant's hand. The lust in his heart was more than a normal man could stand. With the back of his hand, he wiped the drool from his mouth.

Yumichika tossed the jar into the air a few times before snatching it away. "'Sarah Tay' wants you, Ikkaku."

"'Sagi, loan me some money," cried Ikkaku desperately.

"This is getting ridiculous," sighed Hisagi, adding another mark to his order form.

"You did the right thing, Ikkaku. Our special _Shine My Gami Polishing Cream_ can protect you and keep your cranium looking like a new born baby's butt, a shiny newborn baby's butt."

"If you need to see what that looks like, I can summon my bankai for you," offered Mayuri Kurotsuchi.

"That's so kind of you, Mayuri," crooned Retsu Unohana.

"That's just the type of man I am, my dear," smiled Mayuri, putting his hand on her thigh.

"Mayuri, do you carry your regrowth formula on you?" asked Unohana innocently.

"Why, yes, I do. Are you interested in learning about its properties, my dear?" leered Mayuri.

"No, not really, but if you do not remove your hand from my property, I'm afraid that you are going to need it." With that, she grabbed his hand, twisted it painfully until it was no longer on her knee, and turned to her right to converse with Byakuya.

"Ooooo, I love a woman with spunk," crowed Mayuri.

* * *

_Part Two of Five_


	3. Part 3

"Hey, Yumichika, when you're done with the fruit, how about me?" grumbled Renji.

"Who you calling a fruit, Abarai?" yelled Ikkaku, rising defiantly.

Kira grabbed Ikkaku's arm and pulled him back into his chair. "He didn't mean you, Ikkaku. He meant the cantaloupe and the watermelon. Right, Renji?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

Ikkaku growled.

"Now, boys, insert your own witty comments here," chided Yumichika. "Really, it does get old! Moving on…"

He put down the polishing cream and picked up an aerosol can from the display table. "Here, Renji, just for you. We have something particularly exciting for redheads. It's a product line called _Red D Whip_; the red D on every can stands for 'dynamic.' These are foam-based products designed to put the pow back in your brow. We have a mousse and a conditioner that I've heard rave reviews about. Ichigo uses the mousse, you know."

"He does?" asked Renji, a bit surprised to hear that Ichigo's tousled look came from a can.

"Of course! You don't think his hair looks that way naturally, do you?" Yumichika beckoned Renji closer, "I'll tell you a secret. Without our _Red D Whip_ styling mousse, his hair is as flat as that Quincy kid's. You know, all stuck to his head with his ears hanging out."

"I hate his hair. Okay, I'm sold, but I'm out of bucks until payday."

"You might as well add_ Shine My Gami Polishing Cream_ to your order too, Renji," said Yumichika as he examined the top of Renji's head.

"Why?" protested Renji, "I'm not bald like Ikkaku."

"We can't all be gifted in the follicle area, now can we? That receding hairline of yours needs some TLC, don't you think?"

"I do that on purpose so my tattoos will show!"

"A little prevention never hurts."

"Add both of those to your order, Hisagi," ordered Byakuya.

"But, Captain…"

"If it will help my vice captain look better than the dirt pile that is his normal mien, then it is worth any price."

"Maybe to you, sir, but my wallet is getting really thin."

"Worth any price, Vice Captain Hisagi."

"But I don't make a captain's salary yet, and I already owe people money. Even with an advance, how am I going to pay for all of this?"

"Don't worry, Shuface. I'll pay you back."

"Thanks, Renji. I appreciate tha…"

"When I become the captain of the sixth!" laughed the redhead.

"Why, you…! If I didn't have my feet in a bucket of water, I'd pulverize you."

"I'll have Kenshin get you a towel," said Byakuya.

"Renji, shame on you," admonished Kira. "That was not nice at all, and Shuuhei, why do you always let him get under your skin? Shame on you, too."

"Let 'em fight, Kira," said Ikkaku. "My money's on Hisagi. He's a sneaky bastard."

"You're on."

"Pulverize me, huh?" postured Renji. "As if you could, Captain's Pet."

"I can and I will, and you won't see it coming, Baboon Boy."

"As if. Don't get your hakama in a twist, Hisagi. I just came from a good bar fight. I'm ready to go again."

"So soon? That's unusual for you."

Fluttering over to the couch where Hisagi and Kuchiki sat, Yumichika tried to ease the tension. "Speaking of stress, how are our feet feeling right now? Shuuhei?"

"I don't know about yours, but mine are kind of soggy."

"Hisagi's soggy! HA!" Renji slapped his knee at his joke.

Yumichika reached behind Shuuhei's shoulders and rubbed him vigorously in the shoulder blades. Mumbling under his breath, Shuuhei pointed a finger in the direction of Renji's bucket of water. From his fingertips shot a mild Hadou 4 White Lightning attack, hitting the water with a splash.

"Oh, WOW! OW!" screamed Renji, pulling his feet from the bucket.

"Whatsa matter, Abarai? Water too hot for ya?" He closed his eyes as a smile lingered on his face.

"You're toast, Hisagi."

"And you're boiled ham."

"Uh uh uh, Renji. Hisagi is being nice enough to buy you some 'Sarah Tay,'" interjected Yumichika. "Save the violence until after I get paid."

Ikkaku looked at a disappointed Kira. "I'll take my money now, thank you very much."

Mayuri pulled his eyes away from Captain Unohana, "Excellent, Hisagi. I approve. You may be captain material after all."

* * *

"That's more like it." Kenpachi, excited by the sizzling action in Renji's foot bath, practically jumped from his seat. He said to Yumichika, "All this relaxation stuff is going to turn 'em into pansies, like you. Ain't you got anything with more of a kick?" 

"Of course, Captain Zaraki." Yumichika went to the table ladened with 'Sarah Tay' products and picked up a black bottle with a silver stripe.

"This is our sensational_ Soukyoku Sensations Revitalizing Lotion. _Unleash the power within. The king of creams, the most potent of lotions, so luxuriant on your skin, it's almost criminal. Experience rebirth at the end of the day. The secret is cayenne pepper to unlock that fiery surge of energy after a long day of battle. Use _Soukyoku Sensations Revitalizing Lotion,_ and you'll be ready for an evening on the town that will last until morning. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge." Yumichika elbowed Kenpachi and gave him an exaggerated wink.

"What the hell do I need that for?" growled Kenpachi. "All I want is a little boost at the end of the day. I don't need any of that frou-frou dating crap. Other than Yachiru, ain't a woman on this world that can keep up with me."

"She's hardly a woman, and you carry her everywhere," intoned Byakuya dryly. "Of course, she can keep up with you."

"Yachiru ain't none of your concern," Kenpachi blustered.

"But, Captain Kenpachi, how do your feet feel after a long day of carrying around your vice captain?"

"Eh, she's like carrying a book bag."

"While she is a delightful companion for you, as we all know, surely her weight adds on to what you yourself carry. Your feet must be killing you by the end of the day!" Yumichika feigned concern.

"Well, I must admit she's not as light as she used to be. A certain high and mighty captain keeps feeding her candy."

"If she wouldn't bother me," sniffed Byakuya, "I wouldn't have to get rid of her by throwing candy out the window." 1

"Why do think she bothers you in the first place? Nimrod."

"Peasant."

"Now, captains, please. 'Sarah Tay' is a feel good company. We promote products that make you feel better about yourself."

"Polishing cream. Must have polishing cream."

Yumichika continued, "And I have just the thing for you right now, Captain Kenpachi. It's called _Fleet on the Feet Sole Energizer_. For the man on the go, you'll be ready to apply the next step in foot innovation, _Fleet on the Feet Sole Energizer_. The load on your shoulders will seem lighter when you take a load off your feet. Massage a little _Fleet_ after training, after walking, after fighting. As we say in 'Sarah Tay,' 'For the shunpo on the go, relieve your feet with _Fleet_.'"

"Yeah, yeah, order me some, you walking commercial. Anything to get you to shut up."

"Shuuhei, you heard the man. Put that down for Captain Kenpachi."

"Why are you telling me what to order, Yumichika?" Shuuhei sat in disbelief.

"Quit complaining, Hisagi," commanded Byakuya. "I may not like the man much, but he deserves relaxation for his feet along with the rest of us. Plus, I get points."

"Gee, that's awful decent of ya, Kuchiki. I take back what I've said about you in the past. Well, except for that tight ass thing cause you really are."

"And I take back everything that I have ever said about you, Kenpachi. Oops, my error. You have never been important enough to discuss."

Hisagi looked up from the scribbled order form on his lap, "Hey, Yumi, do you have any extra order forms? I'm running out of room."

* * *

"And now the piece de resistance, magic in a bottle. _ReiatSoothe_!" 

Pulling a bottle from his pocket, Yumichika sprayed a heavy vapor around the room. "_ReiatSoothe_! is made from essence of chamomile and valiumus prozakylate. It heightens your senses while calming your spirit. _ReiatSoothe!_ It's so very reiatsoothing!"

Unohana sniffed the air. "It's very flowery smelling, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Yumichika, "Our products use some delightful aromatic fragrances to enhance the 'Sarah Tay' experience."

"I much prefer a nice, clean, medicinal smell."

"You know, Retsu," said Mayuri, "I have a formula in my laboratory that will remove even the worst odors, like this sickly sweet smell that invades the nostrils and makes one want to puke. I use it in my laundry."

"Well, I do like how this makes me feel in spite of the disturbing odor."

"Come back to my place, my dear, and we'll remove what we can."

"Why, Captain, whatever do you mean?" giggled Unohana.

Mayuri rubbed his hands together in obvious delight. "I'll take a case. Pay for it, Hisagi, and have it delivered to my private laboratory. It will make two captains very happy tonight." He chucked Retsu lightly under the chin with his fist. She blushed.

"That's a really disgusting visual picture. But, hey! You kids have fun." Shuuhei shooed them away with his hand as he leaned his head on Byakuya's shoulder.

"My skin feels so tingly," oozed Kenpachi. "I want to sing. There's a song I heard once in the Rukongai by Olive New Johns." He began to sing in a nasally voice, "Have you ever been a pillow?" 2

"Hey, I know that song!" chimed Ikkaku. He sang along, harmonizing notes eluding him, "…in a mellow yellow submarine…"

"Have you ever tried to find…"

"…an electrical banana?"

"Have you ever been happy just to hear…"

"…that I'm wild about Sapphron?"

"Have you ever killed someone cause you're strong?"

"Quite rightly. Electric Avenue, And then we'll get much higher."

"That brought goose bumps," exhaled Kenpachi, slapping an arm around Ikkaku.

Kira sniffed, "That was so beautiful."

Renji took Kira's face in his hands and looked deeply into his eyes, "Man, you're so beautiful…and Kenpachi's beautiful…and Hitsugaya's beautiful…and Matsomoto's…"

"We could send _ReiatSoothe!_ to Hueco Mundo," suggested Unohana. "The Arrancar are so uptight."

"Let 'em get their own," snapped Mayuri, burying his nose in her shoulder and sniffing.

"Anybody else want anything? I'm buying," offered Shuuhei.

Yumichika, always the salesman, took advantage of the situation. "Don't forget our other fine products, like _Bawdy For Body Massage Cream_ or our complete line of _GoTight_ diet products. Do your chubby friends a favor and get them our exclusive _GoTight Diet Fortune Cookies_. It's a diet, it's a snack, it's a diet snack. Each cookie comes with a true gem of dieting wisdom baked inside." He broke open a fortune cookie.

"Not so loud," complained Matsumoto.

He continued, "This one says 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life.'"

"That is so profound," marveled Byakuya, "Hisagi, better buy everyone some of those." He patted Shuuhei on the head.

"Yes, sir, yes sir, two bags full."

Kenpachi objected, "I don't need your charity, Kuchiki. Hisagi, buy everyone some of those for me too."

"You don't look like the little boy who lives down the lane. Is it foggy in here?"

"How long did it take to grow your hair," asked Hitsugaya absently, fingering Ukitake's hair. "I'd like to try it. Mine's kind of spiky like his, only his is black and mine is white."

"I can give you some tips on how to keep it from tangling…Oopsy, devilled eggs for lunch," chuckled Ukitake.

"Smell his hair, Matsumoto. It smells like an omelet."

She leaned obediently to her left over Hitsugaya and brushed her torso against him.

"Oy, sorry, Captain."

"I enjoyed it…" he smiled, then seemed to come to his senses. "I mean…that's not what I meant!"

"Spray the captain again, Yumichika, quickly. It's wearing off."

* * *

_It ain't over yet!_

_1) From Bleach Omake Chapter entitled "The Assassin in the Kuchiki House" with Yachiru visiting the Kuchiki residence. Excerpts from the dialogue follow._

_Yachiru: "Bya-kun!!! Let's play!!! The Shinigami Women's Association voted you as #1 for 'The Taichou We Desire To Release a Photo Book.' So I'm here to see Bya-Kun's private life."_

_Byakuya to man servant: "Give her some sweets and drive her out."_

_Yachiru: "Oh, Bya-Kun. You're reading. What are you reading? Manga?"_

_Byakuya grabs a bag of sugar candy and flings the pieces out the window. Yachiru follows the trail of the candy out the window with a "wheee!!!"_

_Byakuya: "Lock every lock in the house."_

_Man servant: "Understood."_

_Later at Shinigami Women's Association, Isane to Yachiru: "What? You were driven out? Then why do you look so satisfied?!"_

* * *

_2. Original non-butchered songs by:_

_Olivia Newton John – "Have You Ever Been Mellow?"_

_The Beatles – "Yellow Submarine"_

_Donovan – "They Call Me Mellow Yellow"_

_Eddie Grant – "Electric Avenue"_

_I'm so ashamed of what I did to these songs..._


	4. Part 4

When the _ReiatSoothe!_ had finally worn off and aspirins had begun to take effect, Yumichika asked, "Now that everyone has enjoyed a refreshing foot bath and scrub and experienced the body lotions and creams, I want to personally thank you all for coming. As a thank you gift, you will each receive two feathers, one red and one silver, which you can wear and be just like me. Why don't we adjourn to the next room where Captain Kuchiki has provided us with a delicious snack, and I will help you fill out your order forms. Shuuhei, maybe you had better be first."

Byakuya pulled Shuuhei by the sleeve to a corner of the room. "Hisagi…a moment of your time…Shuuhei…I want to remind you what I said earlier. I hold your captaincy in my hands. I will teach you everything a new captain needs to know since I am obviously the best thing to ever happen to you. All I ask in return, my dear boy, is one thing."

"What's that, Captain?"

"Get me my golf clubs," he said fiercely.

"But Captain Kuchiki…"

"It has taken on a sense of great urgency. So, get me my weapons of golf," Byakuya repeated emphatically. "Then I can challenge Kenpachi to a duel in a golf practice arena. How close are you, Hisagi? Order more of those cookie things. I do not wish to be out-ordered by that man in my own house."

"Yes, Captain." Shuuhei sighed and watched him walk away.

Yumichika was straightening out his display table. "Need a stapler, Shuuhei?"

"What? Why?"

"To hold your order forms together, Silly. Such determination in that Byakuya. I have never seen anyone gain enough points for a prize in one show. Usually, a prize like the battle clubs of golf takes at least seven shows, probably eight. He's doing it in one! What fortitude."

"Who, him?" asked Shuuhei incredulously. "He's just an expert at extortion for points, if you ask me. What am I going to do, Yumi? I'm going to have to declare bankruptcy before I can leave this party. Byakuya's got me by the short hairs. If I don't buy enough to put him over the top for that prize, I can kiss my promotion good-bye, especially now that he and Kenpachi are going at it."

"Is that all that's bothering you, Shuuhei? I have the solution right here."

"Don't play with me. I'm a desperate man, Yumichika. My order form looks like a novel."

"Don't worry, I am the best thing that has ever happened to you," smiled Yumichika calmly.

"You're the second person who's said that in the last five minutes, and I don't believe either one of you."

"Have faith in Yumichika, Darling. Are you ready? You're going to love this!"

"Tell me, damn it!"

"All you have to do, my black-haired friend, is buy into 'Sarah Tay.' I will personally train you to go out and do parties like this one. So what do you think? Great idea, huh? I'll bet you can't wait to get started!"

"Me? Do this? Wear that?" Shuuhei broke into a belly laugh. "Woo, you had me there for a minute, Yumi. I needed a good laugh! But seriously," he said, wiping his eyes, "what the hell am I going to do about this?"

Yumichika waited for Shuuhei to compose himself. He looked him in the eye and said quietly, "Think about it, Shuuhei. After you leave here, what are you going to live on for the next six months? Byakuya is already making you buy enough products to start your own business, so you might as well."

"Might as well what?"

"Go into the business for yourself!"

"You're kidding, right?" Shuuhei studied Yumichika for a minute. "You're not kidding, are you?"

"Buy at 50 percent; sell at triple your cost. Easy breezy profit. Food on the table again, beer and sake money in your pocket."

"Food would be good. Sake's better. Six months is a long time to go without a paycheck. Let me think about it."

"Work hard, and you'll have what you owe me paid off in no time. Couple of years, tops."

"Years?"

"Well, sure, but you're earning money in the meantime by booking shows and recruiting new people into 'Sarah Tay.' You get a cut of everything they sell."

"You make it sound easy."

"Of course. I can spin anything. I will train you at a measly 45 percent of your first year's commission. All you have to do is work hard and book five parties a week."

"Yumi, wait. Forty-five percent. That's a lot! There's not much left for me."

"It's not like I'm asking for your first-born or anything. Remember, Shuuhei, charge triple what you buy it for. I charged more than that tonight."

Shuuhei shook his head in disbelief.

"But don't worry, Hisagi, we can set you up with financing. I'm also affiliated with Yousori Finance Corporation. If you finance your purchases through Yousori, not only will I get my money sooner, but I also get a percentage of the interest rate, so you see, Hisagi, it is in my best interest to help you with financing. And after you've paid me off in a couple of years, anything you earn is yours to keep. No further financial obligation to me."

"But Yumi, what do I get out of this?"

"Simple, my friend, you'll have a goal! You'll harbor dreams of getting out of debt, and we will retain our beautiful friendship. Use that as your motivation, Hisagi. All you do is hold parties, sign up other people and train them, making sure to get your cut, of course. I'll teach you how to do to them what I've done to you. Eventually, you'll get the money to pay me back, and I won't have to use the true form of my zanpakutou on you again."

"Where do I sign?" sobbed Shuuhei.

* * *

"Good news, everyone!" Clapping his hands enthusiastically to get everyone's attention, Yumichika stated proudly, "Shuuhei Hisagi has joined my stable of 'Sarah Tay' stallions. Starting today, he is our newest consultant! A round of applause, please!" 

As tepid applause circled the room, Yumichika proudly pinned a silver rose to Shuuhei's collar. Embarrassed by the attention and bewildered by his predicament, he felt a little dizzy. His head swam as he tried to figure out why he had to sell 'Sarah Tay' to get out of debt when he had been forced to go into debt in order to buy 'Sarah Tay' products that he hadn't needed in the first place. His pride seemed to be stuck in his throat and no amount of pushing by his tonsils would budge it.

"Congratulations, Shuuhei. I'll let you try on my hat if you'd like." Yumichika reached for the pill-box hat on his head.

"That's okay, Yumi. I wouldn't want you to have hat hair."

"Oh, my, you're right. I can't take my hat off. We'll just have to get you your own hat. You don't mind waiting, do you?"

Shuuhei looked at the strange hat on Yumichika's head. "Do they have one in normal?"

* * *

"Can we eat it?" asked Ikkaku. 

"I don't know. It's too beautiful to eat," said Kira.

"The watermelon fruit baskets look so bright and polished, right, Ikkaku?" teased Renji.

"And your receding hairline is dating your back hair. Shut up, Abarai."

The three men stood in front of a grand buffet table. Spread across the table was a breathtaking mélange of food artistry prepared by Byakuya's top notch culinary staff. A melon whale cavorted with eggplant penguins. In another spot, tomato butterflies appeared to land on a field of cucumber daisies. There were radish bunnies and ducks, lemon pigs and a mouse carved from a pear. Cucumber frogs, carrot and leek palm trees, and kissing swans of squash were all playfully integrated into an idyllic scene of mouth-watering perfection. In the middle stood a realistic life-sized paté peacock decorated with expensive delicacies on skewers for the tail and surrounded by sprouted flaxseed crackers and watermelon basket bouquets. If it could be carved out of food, it was on the table arranged into a masterful tableau of edible art.

"What the hell are you limping for, Abarai?" asked Ikkaku.

"Whaddya think? My feet got boiled by Mr. Sarah Tay Junior over there." He pointed to Shuuhei.

"It was only a flesh wound, Renji." Kira soothed.

"Yeah, suck it up, Crimson Crusader. Have a carved apple robin or something," added Ikkaku. "There's a koi carved out of cheese."

Renji glowered, "My feet were in water. He could have electrocuted me."

"But he didn't. Number one, he's an expert at Kidou and he had the spell well under control," said Kira, pulling apart a cucumber iguana. "Number two, a child could have executed that spell, Renji, and it wouldn't have hurt less."

"It's the principle of the thing. I have a reputation to uphold in front of my captain."

Ikkaku popped a radish rose in his mouth. "Kuchiki was too busy bickering with Kenpachi to even notice you and the golden boy."

"He hurt my foot."

"Now you're just whining, Ketchup Head. Go ahead. Pick a fight. If he hurts you even worse, don't come running to me cause I ain't got no sympathy for you."

"Go spit shine your head, Ikkaku. At least Kira's got my back."

"Sorry, you're on your own. If you want to pick a fight over this, you'll get no sympathy from me either. I lost money on you earlier."

"C'mon, Kira. Let's see if we can score some sake instead of this fruity punch stuff. I'll bet Kenshin knows where Kuchiki keeps the good stuff."

The two men wandered off in search of the butler, leaving Renji to wonder out loud, "Where's the justice? All I wanted was a good fight!" Exasperated, he folded his arms in disgust.

A quiet figure shuffled over to him, followed closely behind by another.

"Renji, how is your foot, dear, after that nasty trick Hisagi played on you?" asked Captain Unohana, stroking the young man's arm. "Do you need me to look at it for you?"

"Well, now that you mention it…" Renji was struck by the kindness in her eyes.

"Because I am more than willing to look at it." She reached behind her head and pulled a scalpel from the back of her hair. "If it needs to come off, Captain Kurotsuchi has his regrowth formula with him. We will simply grow you a new foot."

"Actually, my dear Retsu, the regrowth formula needs a little work. But don't worry, Vice Captain Abarai, it will regrow something. The last time I used it on a subject, he grew an extra thumb…in his ear."

"Really? How interesting, but, um, I'm fine." Renji began to sweat. "My foot feels great. All gone! Not my foot! The pain! My foot is still here, but the pain's all gone. See?" He hopped on one foot to demonstrate. "No need to be cutting or regrowing anything. No need at all." Renji looked around desperately. Seeing Kira and Ikkaku across the room with the butler, he grabbed an appetizer from the table, "Excuse me. Gotta have Ikkaku try one of these kiwi people. Look. The head is a kiwi with a slice cut out for the mouth, two cloves for the eyes, curly carrot hair, cute little banana body. He's going to love it. Am I babbling?" He bowed to them quickly, then turned and dashed across the room, "Hey, Ikkaku, have I got a fruit for you!"

"That was deliciously wicked, my dear," drooled Mayuri.

"Yes, well, sometimes these self-possessed Shinigamis need some tough love. Is your regrowth formula really that unstable? I should like to examine the man with the fingers in his ear."

"Unstable, no, not at all. That was just a fib, I'm afraid. I like to see them quake when they are near me. I see you were prepared should an operation have been necessary."

"Oh, this? No, it is just a hairpin to keep the stray hairs off my neck. A gift from Isane. I keep my real scalpel in my braid." She reached into the middle of her braid and produced a switchblade-style scalpel, flipping it open dangerously close to Kurotsuchi's chin. "Offer to cut something off. It gets them every time."

"I find you completely intriguing."

* * *

"Pst, Hisagi, come here." 

Shuuhei looked around to see who was calling him. Captain Hitsugaya was beckoning him into a darker corner of the room.

"Yes, sir?"

"You want to make captain, right?"

"Yes, sir, of course."

"Listen, I'll do you a favor, if you'll do me a favor. Matsumoto can never find out. You in?"

"Well, what's the favor, sir?"

"Look, I saw something in the catalog that interested me. You order it for me on the quiet and I'll endorse you for captain, okay? But, mark my word, Hisagi, if it ever gets out, you're done for. I'll put you on ice and display in my office for the rest of your life. Understood?"

"Uh, yes, sir. Matsumoto will never hear it from my lips, sir."

"Okay, good. On page 54, there's a candy flavored toothpaste. See?"

"Okay." Shuuhei looked at the page the captain was showing him.

"I want the toothbrush that comes with it. It's in the shape of a zanpakutou…It's really awesome."

"The _Attack Your Plaque Kiddie Toothbrush_ from the _Mini-Shinigami Nite Nite Collection_, Captain?"

"Yea, the red one with bubble gum flavored toothpaste, okay? And maybe you can throw in the matching jammies. For Matsumoto, of course. She wears a small."

"Yes, sir."

"You keep this between us, Hisagi, and I'll keep ordering from you, okay?"

"I'd appreciate that, Captain. It's just between you and me. And since you're my first customer, how about the coordinated slippers for free?"

"I knew I could count on you, Hisagi."

"Oh, Shuuhei!" came a voice somewhere behind him.

"Matsumoto. I can't let her see us together. She'll ask questions." Hitsugaya slipped out of the shadows and darted across the room.

Hisagi turned as Rangiku closed in on him.

"Was that the captain?" she asked.

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Well, he was short with white spiky hair," she said impatiently.

"Oh," said Shuuhei. "That captain. Sure, that was him. We were discussing the company."

"He probably wanted to yell at you for getting mixed-up in 'Sarah Tay.' Well, that certainly sounds like him. He couldn't wait for this party to be over. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you, Shuuhei. I want some of that _Bawdy For Body Massage Cream._ You'll buy that for me too, won't you?"

"But I'm already getting you the _Sense Your Soul Body Lotion_."

"So?"

"Now that I'm selling it, don't you think you should buy it from me, instead of me ordering it from Yumichika?"

"But, Shuuhei," she said leaning in closely, "it's so nice and silky. I just need a little help reaching my back. It's been so dry lately. It's so hard to massage one's own back, don't you agree?"

"But Ran, why should I buy it for you when the only reason I'm buying all of this crap is to get into favor with the captains? You can't help me get a promotion."

"No, but I can help you get a raise," she said seductively. "You know I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you."

"Why is everybody saying that?"

"And who knows, I might need a full body massage some day. I wonder who I could get? You know what I mean, Shu Shu?" She lightly tapped his nose with her finger.

With a sigh, he asked, "How many?"

"One of each flavor, I mean, scent. Oh, you're such a dear. It's so nice of you to do this…"

"Hmph. There'd better be more to this than just a back massage."

"…with no strings attached. I can't imagine how terrible it would feel to know that you did this with less than gentlemanly intentions."

"But you just said… Do you always get your way?"

"Pretty much."

* * *

_Part Four of Five - Almost there..._


	5. Part 5

Towards the end of the party, having had some time to take in the magnitude of what had happened tonight, Shuuhei approached Yumichika, "So Yumi, I've been thinking. This 'Sarah Tay' business might not be such a bad idea. What's your demographic?"

"My what?" asked a surprised Yumichika.

"Who do you sell to?"

"To whom do I sell? Oh, well, I concentrate on captains and the royal families. That's where the big money is, you know. I prefer dealing with beautiful people who already have a lot of beautiful money to spend."

"Aren't you worried about running out of customers?" Shuuhei questioned. "The way I see it, your market is going to dry up sooner or later. After all, there are only ten captains now and only four noble families."

Yumichika shrugged off his concerns. "I'll always have reorders. And you can have Hitsugaya. He has absolutely no interest in these products. I could tell."

"Fine," smiled Hisagi. "So that leaves, let's see," he counted on his fingers, "most of the men and women in the divisions, the students at the academy, the gatekeepers, residents of the Rukongai, new souls coming to the Rukongai, and anyone in the land of the living with spiritual powers, right?"

"I suppose." Yumichika was puzzled.

"Here's what I was thinking," continued Shuuhei. "If I mass market, I should be able to reach enough people to book five shows or more a week easy. I think I can get you paid off pretty quickly, then it's all profit for me, you know? The sooner, the better."

"But my interest…I'll lose mon…I mean, our relationship might suffer if you pay me back too soon, Hisagi. I'm your trainer, after all. I have a lot of knowledge to impart…slowly…when you're ready…not before."

"How long do you think I can afford to give you 45 percent of what I make?"

"Think of the rich relationship that we could build."

"Seems to me, you're the one getting rich," Shuuhei snorted.

"Without a financial obligation to me," Yumichika sputtered, "how do I know that you won't just take my knowledge and disappear into the night to sell some other cheesy product like 'Pampered Gigai?'"

Hisagi looked at Yumichika whose face had reddened visibly during their conversation. "Yumi, anyone can do this. All it takes is strategy and planning, two things I'm very good at. I just never thought I'd be selling lotions and potions; I always thought it would be war games and strategy guides. But this is better because I can reach a broader target market."

"And just how do you intend to do that little feat of magic?" sniffed Yumichika, obviously miffed.

"Since you asked, I'm the acting communications officer for the Seireitei Times. I can place ads in every issue; that would reach the Shinigami crowd. Then I still have contacts who owe me favors in the Rukongai districts. I can book those parties. And I can make up welcome baskets with product samples for new souls just arriving in the Rukongai."

Hisagi paused and rubbed his chin, "Actually, maybe I could hire someone to make up the baskets. I'm not very good at that creative stuff."

"Oh, no," said Yumichika, with an edge to his voice, "I can tell."

"I wonder if Orihime would be interested?" He considered briefly. "And new students at the academy. That's another good source of revenue," he paused and stroked his chin, his brain obviously in overdrive. "Of course, I'd have to lower the price point. I can do that, right? Most of the people that I would be selling to can't afford to pay what you charge. I mean, look at me," he laughed.

"Yes, look at you," mocked Yumichika.

"See, the way I figure it, Yumi, it's all about getting the most bang for my buck…oops, I mean getting the most 'bankai for my buck!'" He nudged Yumichika playfully. "Oooo, I just thought of something. I have enough products from tonight that I can set up a booth at the academy games or the training arena on my day off. Beauty! This is going to pay off in no time! Now I just have to book my first show." Shuuhei wandered off in the direction of the banquet table.

"'Sarah Tay' for the masses?" complained a bewildered Yumichika, rubbing his neck. "I wonder if 'Pampered Gigai' is taking consultants?"

* * *

While Yumichika was still pondering Hisagi's sudden burst of entrepreneurialism, Kenpachi approached, holding a plate of fine china. With the last emu-shaped shrimp puff stuffed in his mouth, he looked around for a place to put the plate. Finding nothing suitable, he quickly Frisbee-ed it out the window. "Say, Yumichika, got any of that foamy stuff that I saw in the catalog?" 

"Foamy stuff?" he asked, "Oh, _Reaper's Revenge Shave Cream_?"

"No, not that. You know, for the…bathtub."

"Oh! Bubble bath! Certainly! We have _Shikai Soak_ or _Bankai Bubble Bath_. Which would you like?"

"I'll take two of each."

"I know a certain little pink-haired vice captain that will be very happy with you!"

"Huh?!? Oh, yea, sure. Better make it three. Put it on Hisagi's tab." With that, Kenpachi grabbed his shoes and his zanpakutou. He headed to the door, only to be blocked by Kenshin, Byakuya's man servant, holding two halves of a broken plate. Neither man moved.

Finally, Kenpachi said, "Hisagi will pay for it."

Satisfied, Kenshin stepped aside.

Zaraki turned back to Yumichika and asked, "I ain't into this fancy-shmancy stuff. I can serve milk and cookies on paper plates, right?"

"Certainly, Captain," nodded Yumichika agreeably. "You can serve anything you like on anything you want. You're the host, after all."

"Okay, good to know. See you then." He walked out the door, stopping only to growl at Kenshin who stifled a yawn.

Kira turned to Ikkaku and pointed to Kenshin. "He could have taken him."

"No way, Zaraki all the way," countered the bald man.

"Wanna bet?"

* * *

"I would certainly call this a success," announced Byakuya. 

"Well, sure, if putting me in debtor's prison was the purpose," groused Shuuhei.

"Nonsense, Hisagi. As a matter of fact, I understand that you are starting you own 'Sarah Tay' business. Very enterprising of you. Nothing I would ever do, but fine for one such as you."

"Eat or be eaten, sir," said Shuuhei. "That's my new motto."

"Have you booked your first party, yet?"

"No, sir," said Hisagi, surprised by Byakuya's interest.

"I can solve that." He scanned the people in the room and motioned to Kenshin.

Within a minute, Kenshin returned with Renji Abarai in tow.

"Jeeves, you're crushing the sleeve."

"Ah, Abarai, how nice of you to join us," said Byakuya pleasantly.

"As if I had a choice with Mr. Iron Grip here," he eyed Kenshin with distaste. "Yea, whaddya want?" Remembering who he was speaking to, he added, "Sir."

"Abarai, you will hold Hisagi's first 'Sarah Tay' party," commanded Captain Kuchiki, "and be a genial host."

Renji's jaw dropped open as Hisagi snickered. "Captain, it was okay to come to one of these parties, but I'm just not that interested in this girly crap."

"What are you saying, Abarai?"

"What I'm saying is that I don't want to be a host," he stated emphatically.

Byakuya clapped his hands together in a rare show of emotion. "Wonderful, Abarai, I was so hoping you would say that."

"What? You mean I don't have to?"

"No, of course not!"

"Thank you, Captain."

"Certainly. All you have to do is invite many guests to your home and have available a delicious spread of food, much like I did tonight. I will then assume the hosting duties for the evening. Hisagi will get his first party, and since you have expressed a lack of interest, I will take the hostess credits."

"Oh, is that all I have to do?" Renji sarcastically asked.

"Not quite. There is one other small thing."

"What's that?" he asked warily.

"You will also guarantee that the party is a huge success, much like Hisagi did for me tonight."

"You mean…?" His mouth dropped open.

"Yes, that's exactly what I mean. Now that I have my clubs of golf, I have my eye on something called a…golf cart."

Byakuya nodded slightly to Shuuhei and turned on his heel. "Kenshin will see you out." He sailed off across the room to hurry his other guests towards the door.

Renji and Shuuhei stood side by side. Renji looked stricken, about to go into panic mode.

As Kenshin approached with their things, Shuuhei put an arm around his friend's shoulder. "Renji Abarai," he said confidently, "I am the best thing that's ever happened to you."

Renji put his head in his hands and sobbed, "Kill me. Kill me now."

"Your sword, sir."

* * *

_Thanks for reading! Reviews are welcome. Hope you had a giggle or two._


End file.
